Your Treatment Is Over

I’m not even sure what to think or what to say at this point. While it was certainly in the back of my head that this day could be coming soon (especially after I pissed her off when asking about cysts), I wasn’t expecting this today. She caught me completely off guard.

I went in today and it seemed it would be like any other appointment. The nurse assured me she had my blood test results this time so there would be no more sticking me! And then the doctor came in. She said well, your tests look good so you’re done with treatment! I don’t even think I responded when she said that – I just sat there with my mouth hanging open.

This is the moment I’ve been dreading since I found out about all of the controversy surrounding Lyme. The moment when my doctor would say “see ya” even though I was still having symptoms. Once I realized what was happening, I started firing off questions. I asked her what happened to treating for 3-6 months and she said my blood tests showed it wasn’t necessary, which is complete BS as there is no test that shows when Lyme is gone.

I asked to see my results and she gave them to me. I was only showing positive for IgG band 41, which could indicate a past or current infection (I know this, she didn’t say it). She said I was cured. I asked why I was still having symptoms if the bacteria was all gone and she said it was because of inflammation. I looked down at my results and noticed my SED rate was 4. So I asked why my SED rate was so low if my symptoms were due to inflammation. The she said symptoms can take months to years (yes, with an “s” on years) to go away and I just need to be patient.

At this point, I was starting to get mad but I was still in shock that this was actually happening. I told her I was scared and I didn’t want to stop treatment if I was still having symptoms. I reiterated again that I thought I was suppose to be treated until I didn’t have symptoms anymore and she just kept saying my treatment was over. She actually told me to do puzzle books to help my neurological symptoms.

PUZZLE BOOKS.

I’ve just had almost $90,000 worth of treatments and now you’re telling me I can be cured by doing puzzle books? WHAT?!

She told me to follow up in a few months if I wanted to. I asked her what I was suppose to do if symptoms come back in a big way when I stop medication and she said to just take it again for 2-3 weeks if I flared up. Well, being that I flare up every 25 days or so, when exactly will I not be taking medication?

I guess I’ll stop for good when I run out. I think I have enough refills left to keep me at 400mg for another two months. Then what?

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to turn. Everything I’ve read and every patient I’ve talked to has said to treat for two months beyond symptoms or with the same time period with zero improvement after throwing everything at it (which I haven’t).

How can she just drop me like that? She’s left me with no where to turn. What happens when I’m out of medication if I’m not better? I’ve read stories of people who have ended up using a cane or bedridden or in a wheelchair. People have died – not from the Lyme itself but from the complications from all the damage it’s done.

And she just dropped me. See you later. Good luck in life. Dropped me.

I held it together until I got back to my desk at work. Someone came over to ask me how the appointment went and I just lost it. I broke down in tears and just cried. I’m terrified of what this is going to mean for my future. What is this going to do to my family? How are we going to find another doctor? And if we can find one, how are we going to be able to pay for it plus the rest of my treatment?

I feel so alone and so abandoned. I just don’t understand how someone who took an oath to do no harm can just drop a patient in the middle of treatment. It was less than three weeks ago when I had my worst day ever since treatment started. And now I’m suddenly cured?

I told her about my reaction to gluten and she said it’s probably Lyme related. I said well it’s gotten much worse in the past few weeks so if I’m cured, why is it getting worse? She just shrugged and said it would take time.

I don’t know what I’m going to do now. I’ve posted on several Lyme groups asking for opinions and recommendations for other doctors but I know I won’t find someone else who will take insurance. But I can’t stop treatment. I can’t end up like these people who have to go on disability because they can’t work any longer. I can’t lose the progress I’ve made because my treatment was ended too early.

But I also can’t put my family through all of this either. And I certainly can’t take everything we have financially to try to pay for treatment.

I just feel helpless.

How Long Have I Had This? Part Two

Read Part One

Along with the interstitial cystitis, inappropriate sinus tachycardia and supposed IBS (I never believed that one), I started having problems with my knee out of the blue and went to physical therapy for several months as well as received shots in my knee. My knee has just recently started bothering me again – is it an old “injury” (that I don’t remember receiving) or has it been Lyme all along?

I also developed diverticulitis in late 2011. Now, no offense, but this is typically a disease that older people get. As in over 60 older people. I was 35 at the time. But it was diagnosed and I was basically on a liquid diet and another round of antibiotics. And once again, they couldn’t tell me why this developed as I didn’t seem to have any other risk factors for it. I often joked with my doctors that I was going to donate my body to science because I have so many ailments that none of them could explain.

Also, during my pregnancy, I developed reddening and thickening of the breast skin on both sides. After multiple rounds of antibiotics, my doctors told me they suspected inflammatory breast cancer. This is an aggressive form of breast cancer that without treatment has a life expectancy of six months. That date just so happened to coincide with my due date (from the time symptoms started).

Luckily, that turned out not to be the case but it was about three months from the time it all started before I found that out. And no one was ever able to explain why I had all of the symptoms of a rare and incredibly aggressive form of breast cancer.

As I said earlier, my biggest fear in all of this is the possibility that I’ve had this for a long time and could have passed it to my son during the pregnancy. Along with my medical history that largely can’t be explained by doctors, I was also given a round of steroids in June 2012 just prior to when all of my symptoms started.

Now, steroids have been proven to be very bad for Lyme. It can “activate”, for lack of a better word, an otherwise dormant infection (or one that the immune system is keeping in check) and can spiral an active infection out of control. So did I just happen to be bitten around the same time as I received the steroids or did the steroids stir everything up again? Once again, it’s a question I’ll never have an answer to.

But the biggest question was did I have this while I was pregnant? Could all of my past medical history be explained by that tick bite in the summer of 2000? Interstitial cystitis, knee problems, fevers, unexplained fatigue and general lethargy, heart problems – all of these could be related to Lyme. Or could it just be that I’m unlucky with health problems? It’s the question that can’t be answered. But the question I HAD to know was about my son.

Within a few days after getting my diagnosis of Lyme, I was on the phone with my son’s pediatrician, scared to death. I told her what happened and asked what the possibility was that I had infected my son during pregnancy. She stated it wasn’t possible and she hoped my doctor had told me about all the false positives for Lyme tests (there’s actually a much better chance of a false negative!). I asked about testing him and she said there was no need because he hasn’t had any symptoms. She said we would keep an eye on him and if he ever started developing symptoms, we would test then. So I dropped the case with her.

Until a few days ago, despite my research, I never had any other answer. But each time my son would have a fever or say something hurt, the voice in the back of my head was saying “You gave him Lyme”. And it would devastate me. It’s bad enough to think how I have affected our lives just with everyone having to deal with me having the disease. But the thought that I could have given it to our child was just too much.

So a few days ago, I did my first webinar with a Lyme doctor – this is the same webinar I referenced here. Anyone who attends can ask questions and he answers them. One person asked about the possibility of passing it during pregnancy to the fetus.

He answered that there is a 50/50 chance that it could happen. If the mother knows she is infected, she should be on antibiotics during the pregnancy and if she is, the risk drops to less than 1%. A known infected mother should insist that the cord blood is tested after birth. This can give an idea of if it was passed. After that, it’s a game of waiting to see if symptoms are exhibited. Because there is no test to see when Lyme is gone, he said he doesn’t believe in treating unless symptoms are present. If there are no symptoms present, even with a positive test, he doesn’t treat because there’s no way to know when to end treatment since that should be symptom based.

He said kids who have Lyme tend to be colicky after birth. But of course this happens with lots of babies who don’t have Lyme. Other indicators can be behavioral problems outside of the “normal” behavior of a child. And one of the biggest indicators can be fatigue and where the child just doesn’t show interest in anything other kids are doing and can’t seem to keep up with other kids his own age.

Thankfully, none of this describes my son. He currently runs circles around us and operates on much less sleep than we do (me or my husband). Hopefully, it continues to be that way in the future and I really didn’t pass this along to him.

And while the time during the uncertain cancer diagnosis was one of the scariest of my life, it may just turn out that it was a blessing in disguise because I was on antibiotics for such a large part of my pregnancy.

While I may never know when I was actually infected with this disease, it does give me some peace of mind to know that if I was infected while pregnant, the antibiotics could have potentially helped to spare my son.

Only time will tell.

How Long Have I Had This? Part One

This post is going to be in two parts because you first have to understand my past medical history to know why this would even be a concern. Part Two Here.

One of my greatest fears since being diagnosed is the possibility that I have actually had this for a long time and could have passed it along to my son during pregnancy. It absolutely terrifies me at the thought of it. While mainstream medicine doesn’t recognize the fact that it can be transmitted to the fetus or through sexual intercourse, there are some case studies that suggest it. Cord blood from an infected mother has tested positive for Lyme.

As best as I can pinpoint, I was bitten by a tick in the summer of 2000. We were at the lake with friends and when I was taking a shower, I felt something on my back. I screamed for my husband and he came running in. He said it was a tick and he removed it. I don’t remember how or if he did it properly, I just know he removed it that day. That is the only time I ever remember having a tick attached. I’ve seen ticks on me since then but never attached.

I never even thought about that tick bite again until the word “Lyme” started being thrown around in 2012. But shortly after that tick bite happened, I started having a lot of medical issues and what I thought at the time were UTIs. Lots of them. Like every other month I would have one. In 2002, I had my first kidney stone and had lithotripsy to break it up. In 2003, I had to see a cardiologist and was put on beta blockers. My heart rate would suddenly increase with no warning and for no reason. I presented in the ER with a heart rate of 183 sitting still. I didn’t even know my heart rate was up – I just knew I felt horrible. I was diagnosed with inappropriate sinus tachycardia, which basically meant I have tachycardia and we don’t know why.

I was also having other issues at the time with no explanation. I would have fevers for no reason and was having a lot of stomach issues. After a colonoscopy, I was diagnosed with IBS and the doctor told me he thought everything going on was stress related. In 2004, I was hospitalized for a kidney infection.

During this time, I had many, many tests done for the recurrent UTIs but no doctor could figure it out. I had urinalysis in the doctor’s office every time I went, I’ve done more 24 hour urine collections than I can count, CT scans, IVPs, blood tests galore and a few tests that I could describe to you but I have no idea what they were called now. The perplexing issue was that I didn’t have typical UTI symptoms. I rarely had the burning sensation that accompanies a urinary tract infection in almost all cases. I would have urgency and pain. But the pain wasn’t in urinating, it was like unending menstrual cramp type pain. My back would hurt too (leading them to believe it was related to my kidneys) and I would sometimes get a fever. Generally, when it happened, I would feel really badly and just want to curl up in bed.

I remember saying multiple times in the doctor’s office – I don’t get normal UTI symptoms but I know what it feels like and my urine test (the dip test in the office) always comes back showing something when I feel like this. During this time, I was treated with multiple antibiotics, most often it was Bactrim (which I eventually had an allergic reaction to), Cipro and Levaquin. At one point, I was told to take either Cipro or Levaquin each time I had sex because we figured out that I usually didn’t have symptoms (or they were lessened) when my husband was deployed. I basically had an open ended prescription for Pyridium and my Levaquin and Cipro prescriptions were written with 6-12 monthly refills of daily doses.

Many years later as I was going over all of my records from the past, I noticed that my urine tests that were done in the doctors’ offices were rarely actually positive. In most cases, they only showed blood (microscopic) and protein but no white blood cells (leukocytes) which would signal infection. When they would actually send it off for a culture (usually after I went back again because the “infection” wasn’t gone after a round of antibiotics), they would call me and tell me the culture was negative and quit taking the medication. But I would still be having symptoms.

This went on for years. Literally – YEARS. At one point, I was told that I may have IgA Nephropathy, which is a disorder of the kidneys but the only way to confirm it was with a biopsy of the kidneys and there was no real treatment. So I declined confirmation.

While I was pregnant, I had a supposed UTI a few times but otherwise, it was pretty uneventful on that front. I still had to do multiple 24 hour urine collections because we were operating under the assumption I had IgA Nephropathy so they were monitoring my protein levels and kidney function. For 18 months after the pregnancy, I had no issues at all. My doctors said that in some cases, the pregnancy with all of the changes in your body can sometimes “right” other conditions, or at least put them into remission.

In early 2011, the symptoms started again with a vengeance. I went back to the doctor and he sent me home with antibiotics and sent my urine off for a culture. Negative again but the urine test at the office showed blood and protein. At this point, he referred me to a new specialist. This urologist said he thought interstitial cystitis was a possibility. I can’t for the life of me now remember what happened but I know he made me mad during the appointment so I decided to find someone else to treat me.

After some searching online, I found someone who has a practice which is basically solely treating IC patients. So I made the appointment with him and figured if anyone could find out if this was it, it would be him. I gave him my history and he agreed that it sounded like IC (which I had never heard of until the previous urologist and at this point, I had seen more than 10 doctors over a 10 year period about this).

He said the test was fairly simple. Using a catheter, they insert two solutions into the bladder. One solution, you won’t have any reaction to at all. The other, IF you have interstitial cystitis, can cause a whole host of symptoms. But people who don’t have IC won’t be able to tell the difference between the two solutions.

He inserted the first and I laid there on the table talking to my husband like no big deal. I didn’t know which solution he had inserted so I had no idea if this was the one I should be reacting to if I had IC. Then he drained that one and inserted the next one. Within a minute or so, I began to get very uncomfortable. The sense of urgency was overwhelming and I was just ready to get it back out of me.

So I was obviously positive and I was diagnosed in April 2011 with interstitial cystitis. Over the next few months, I learned how to do rescue treatments by inserting catheters at home and tried multiple medications (none of which my body liked – one caused rectal bleeding!). The biggest thing was changing my diet. I was no longer allowed to have any acidic or spicy foods. Once I started to pay attention to foods, I began to be able to pinpoint things that would cause me issues – even things like certain preservatives and nitrates. There was quite a bit of time where I only had white rice and boiled chicken because it seemed like everything else irritated me. Over time, I eventually figured out what I could have and what I couldn’t.

As I learned more about IC, I found out that the inside of your bladder basically looks like someone took an ice pick to it and you have nerves exposed. If you eat acidic or spicy foods, the nerves get irritated and cause all of the symptoms (I’m way oversimplifying but that’s the gist of it). So nearly every time I thought I had a UTI, it was most likely that I had eaten something that irritated my bladder, which is also why the symptoms didn’t resolve with antibiotics.

I also figured out that the reason I didn’t have symptoms when my husband was deployed was because I typically lived off of bland foods while he was gone. I would eat cereal or sandwiches or mashed potatoes. I know – really healthy, right?! But I’m not a cook and none of these types of foods would irritate my bladder.

So what does all of this have to do with Lyme? Well, for one, as I was going through all of the different things that can be associated with Lyme, interstitial cystitis was on the list. Odd coincidence or ?? Two, I had all of these other unexplained symptoms that started after the tick bite – though I never put any of that together until I got my diagnosis. Could all of those symptoms have been Lyme too? Or maybe even a coinfection? Maybe all of the antibiotics they had me on for the “UTIs” were actually helping with the tick infections?

The doctor has told me there’s no way to tell. They only thing they know is that I had IgM markers on my Lyme test which typically means a recent infection but almost definitely means an active infection. But Lyme antibodies are different than other antibody responses and the IgM don’t necessarily disappear like they do in other infections. So my answer was who knows? And the next question was always – why does it matter since you’re treating it now anyway?

It matters because of my son. Read Part Two

Questioning Lyme Doctor About Cysts

So this last week has been absolutely horrible. Monday was the worst day I’ve had since I started treatment. And with it following a time period where I felt so good, I think it just made it seem that much more extreme.

I was confused about what was going on because I typically flare up around the same time as my period (about every 25 days or so). This time it started much earlier but then I got a surprise on Monday when my period started (day 21). That was also my worst day so it’s doubtful that’s a coincidence.

The brain fog and other neurological symptoms have been bad. I’m slurring words, saying the wrong word and just mixing things up. I put something in the pantry that was suppose to go in the fridge and vice versa. I’m typing stuff on the computer at work and then going back to read it again to not even be able to make sense of it. I’m using the wrong words when I type (I’ll have to proof this post really well after I write it – if it’s screwed up as you’re reading it, just ignore please). My brain just isn’t working right.

On Monday, my husband came to take me to lunch. I was not feeling good at all and contemplating going home from work. But I hate leaving halfway through the day because it feels like a waste of vacation/sick time. As we were sitting there eating, I suddenly got this feeling like I was watching things through a filter or it was a dream. It’s like I was witnessing everything but not really there. I wanted to reach out to him and just pull him back towards me. It is the weirdest feeling ever. It’s only happened to me a few other times and it was very early in my treatment.

When I went in today, I told the doctor about it and she said what I was describing was referred to as depersonalization and it can be a part of Lyme. Well, I want NO part of it. It’s a horrible feeling and there’s nothing to do but wait for it to pass.

I told her how good I felt for the two weeks but that it all went down hill in the past week. She was disappointed to hear it and told me to increase the Doxy back to 400mg. She also wants to redo my blood tests to see what bands are showing up and make sure we haven’t missed a coinfection. She said it would tell her if she can treat more aggressively. I’m hoping she doesn’t use it as an excuse to write me off because I think I may have made her mad today.

Since I started feeling bad again, I have started doing a lot of research about why I’m not feeling better yet. I did a webinar with a Lyme doctor on the west coast a few days ago. He said that I haven’t been treated for the cyst (also referred to as round body) form of Lyme and until I treat that, I won’t get better. He said it can be done with grapefruit seed extract if I can’t get anything else but ideally it would be done with a prescription medication such as Flagyl. There are also herbal medications that can be used in place of prescription antibiotics.

Now, the idea of a cyst form of Lyme is highly debated and is one of the controversies surrounding the disease. There are some studies that show that Doxy drives Lyme into the cyst form which essentially makes it dormant and the antibiotics can’t penetrate it. The theory is as soon as the antibiotics go away, the Lyme comes out to play again and wreaks havoc.

So I found several articles about this from medical journals and publications as well as several different treatment guidelines that have been published online by two different doctors about it. I went in with all of this today prepared to have a discussion with her about it and get her opinion.

If you remember, the NP and MD have disagreed on a lot. The NP told me a long time ago that the cyst form doesn’t exist. Until today, I hadn’t asked the MD about it. And I kind of wish it was still that way but too late now.

She basically told me that it didn’t exist and if I wanted that kind of treatment for what I believed to be true about some “cyst” form, then I needed to find another doctor. I quickly backed down and told her I didn’t want another doctor and let’s continue treatment as is. It was obvious she was upset. So hopefully this doesn’t come back to bite me in the butt.

I may try to add the grapefruit seed extract on my own but I haven’t made up my mind yet. There are some reports about GSE being toxic so I certainly don’t want to make the problem worse. I need to do some more research into that before I strike out on basically treating myself.

For now, I just want to get back to where I was when I was feeling good. It’s almost cruel to give me that glimpse and then take it away again. I have certainly improved since this past Monday but I still don’t feel good. The headaches have been pretty much constant and my head is so fuzzy.

I go back tomorrow to have blood drawn and I’ll also increase my Doxy dosage tomorrow as well. I hope tapering up the dose will keep the nausea away.